THIS! IS! BEOWULF!: The LULZ Version
by The White Dahlia
Summary: This is pure satire and my way of being able to remember the plot, symbolism, the Anglo-Saxons, the concept of wryd... etc. This is meant to be enjoyed, so do!


THIS! IS! BEOWULF!

WARNING: This is complete satire, and was my personal way to remember the names, places and plot of the story.

DISCLAIMER: All credit goes to whoever wrote the epic poem _Beowulf._

GRENDEL'S MEANESS!

_[My Lituerature book's excerpt of Beowulf starts during an evening of celebration at Herot. However, outside, there is this terrifying monster lurking who poses a great threat to the banquet hall Herot.]_

Grendel: Can you Geats get any more annoying? All the noise, noise, noise!

A harp: I'm rejoicing!

Poets: We sing clear songs of Christian creation!

Warriors: We are Hrothgar's men getting buzzed on fermented honey in Herot! Whoo!

Grendel: That's it! I'm stirring! Yes, me, Grendel, born from questionable relatives of Cain and who the God Almighty (Who the Anglo- Saxons just started believing in 300 years ago!) exiled to a hell on Earth!

God: Bad, evil Grendel! Bad!

Grendel: GAH! What do warriors do after drinking lots of fermented honey? I'm going to find out! ...Really? You guys are really sleeping on the- man, I'm hungry! I'm smashing 30 guys and running away! Try to stop me!

Surviving warriors: WTF?!

Hrothgar: I'm a mighty prince but I'm mighty sad right now!

Grendel: I WANT MORE DANISHES TO EAT!

Warriors: AH! RUN TO SAFTEY!

Hate: I triumph!

Grendel: A Fight? OK!

Fight: I'm beaten by Grendel!

Herot: Man! Thanks to Grendel, I'm rather lonely!

Hrothgar: I'm the mighty prince of the Danes and I'm going to cry about the twelve years that pass and all the damage Grendel does while showing no sign of trying to stop this evil monster!

King Hrothgar's Throne: I'm glorious and protected by God! Yay! Grendel can't hurt me! :D

Hrothgar's heart: I'm bent! : (

Hrothgar: I'm the mighty prince and I'm so desperate that I forget about God (who protects my throne!) and sacrifice to the Anglo-Saxon's stone Gods that I use to believe in, then rant about Christian ideals!

HERE COMES BEOWULF!!!

Healfdane's son: I am the mighty prince Hrothgar but going under a new alias in this stanza for no reason! I'm still mighty sad!

Beowulf: Me, the nephew of the king of the Geats, the son of this ah-mazing warrior, and other boring history, am an ah-mazing guy! I'm rather cocky! I demand a ship to go to Hrothgar and offer some of my ah- mazingness even though Grendel has been torturing the Danes for over a decade!

Wise Ones: If you love something, let it go-- go forth, Beowulf!

Omens: We are good!

Beowulf: I will go forth because the omens are good!

Proof that the author didn't truly have a grasp at Jesus Christ Character: Hi!

Beowulf: I choose you fourteen men! I will sail, of _course_, because I have ah-mazing sea-navigating skills to add to my ah-mazing list of ah-mazing talents!

Trip: I'm easy, of course!

Prayers: Dear God, THANK YOU for not killing us!

Danish Watcher: I see shiny armor!

Hrothgar's Lieutenant: WTF are you doing here, you shiny armor wearing people? Tell me quick even though I'm going to rant about how I've been patrolling this sea-road for four lines! Speak, speak who you are _rrrriiiggggggghhhhtttt_ now! You, yes, right now! Come on, why are you here? Why? _Why? WHY?!_

Beowulf: I'll do it! My dad is Edgetho, this ah-mazing warrior of whom you should know about already. We seek Hrothgar who is going under his alias of Healfdane's son to share our ah-mazingness with you guys! We come in peace! We mean no harm! Really! We hear you're being tortured by this cowardly creature and wish to help the mighty prince or else you'll be tortured by Grendel for-eva!

Mounted Officer: Your speech was waaayyy to long, but, whatever, I'll trust you. My men will take care of your gorgeous ship until we guide you to our mighty prince!

Everyone: We're moving on!

Boat: I'm being left moored!

Warriors: We have cool helmets that stand up tall!

Beowulf/his men/their guide: We're marching until we see the golden city!

Path: I'm plain and easy for people to walk on!

_[Beowulf and his men arrive at Herot and are about to be escorted in to see King Hrothgar]_

Beowulf: Since I am ah-mazing, I'm in charge! You few stay behind while me and the rest - but most importantly me! - go to be blessed by the mighty Hrothgar's presence!... Hey, kind dude! I'm ah-mazing and hear of this creature Grendel! The wisest of my people are convinced my ah- mazingness will and can conquer for you! For I'm ah- mazing and kick ass and fierce! I did lots of brave stuff that I'm now going to rant about! Now Grendel is calling my name! All mighty prince-ness, let me take the call because my ah-mazingness will save us all!

Fate: I will do whatever the hell I please!

A contradiction in the Anglo-Saxon's concept of wyrd: HI!

BEOWULF'S AH-MAZINGNESS V. GRENDEL'S APPARENT MEAN-NESS!!!

Beowulf's men: Well... goodnight!

Beowulf: I'm staying awake and waiting rather patiently for this mean creature Grendel!

Grendel: I come in an entrance that takes seven lines!

Herot: I'm heavily protected! *raspberries*

Grendel: WTF?! Sleeping men? HA! Oh, I'm, like, _sooo_, scared! LOL!

Grendel's stomach: I'm hungry!

Fate: HA! Enjoy your last meal, SUCKA!

Beowulf: I'm watching Grendel quietly in the dark as he eats one of my men!

Grendel: I make the unfortunate mistake of picking up Beowulf!

Beowulf: I'm a strong hearted, wakeful sleeper!

Grendel: Oh, crap. I should probably run home right about... _NOW!_

Beowulf: I suddenly remember that I'm suppose to be fighting Grendel with my ah-mazingness!

Beowulf's hands: I crush Grendel! Yay me!

Grendel: Oh, crap! :o

Herot: I make a lot of noise that is described in ten lines as Grendel and Beowulf fight so the author doesn't have to write out an action scene!

Grendel: I'm God's enemy and I'm hurting really bad right now because of this ah-mazingly strong dude!

Beowulf: I'm not letting you go until you die, cretin!

Beowulf's men: We FINALLLY burst into action after Beowulf has pretty much done all the work! We're completely redundant! Yay us!

Grendel's skin: I'm super tough!

Grendel: I'm dying and going to hell! *kry kry*

Grendel's arm: I pop off!

The battle: I'm over!

Beowulf: I gain new glory!

Grendel: I'm going back to my crappy home!

The Danes who didn't do anything to help Beowulf: HUZZA!

Beowulf: I is happy : ) Just in case you misunderstood the very clear language that is a few lines up, my ah-mazingness beat Grendel!

Danes: None of us doubt this victory!

Grendel's arm: I'm going to hang out on the rafters for proof that Grendel was beaten in case you forgot since it was mentioned five lines ago!

GRENDEL'S MOMMY'S HOUSE!!!

Hrothgar: Go Beowulf! Whoo!

Grendel's Mom: WTF?!!11??!1 Where's your arm, pooky?!

Hrothgar's closest friend: I'm kidnapped and killed for revenge!

Grendel's disembodied arm: I'm being taken too!

Hrothgar: Beowulf, there is another monster I forgot to mention! You know Grendel, who, apparently, has no father. The other is a creature of the female variety! They live in a physically contradicting place-- a lake covered in frozen spray that burns like a flame and their home is at the bottom of this bottomless lake! Though no one has ever seen it, it isn't a very pleasant place, as you can imagine. We depend on you and your ah-mazingness! Go if you dare, but we depend on you and will pay with gold, so don't fail!

Grendel's Mom's Home: I'm totally not a representation of the Christian's view of Hell!!

BEOWULF'S APPARENT AH-MAZINGNESS V. OVER PROTECTIVE MOTHER OF GRENDEL!!!

Beowulf: I'll do it!

Edgetho's son: I am a brave man! I am so ah-mazing that I'm going under an alias in this stanza! I'm going to rant about the possibility that I might die for 13 lines!

Unferth: I question your bravery!

Beowulf: Here, Unferth! You can have my sword if I die!

Unferth: Erm... thank... you?

Beowulf's words: I end as Beowulf leaps into the cold lake that burns like a flame!

Physics: I am defied as Beowulf swims deeper into the cold lake that burls like a flame _FOR HOURS_ until he finally sees the bottom of the bottomless lake!

Proof that the author didn't have a grasp on reality: HHHHHIIIIIIIIII!!!!

Greedy She Wolf: I am Grendel's mommy! Let my dangerous claws welcome you!

Grendel's Mom's dangerous claws: I hold onto Beowulf but can't hurt him for some reason!

Grendel's mom: Why can't I hurt you?!?!11

Beowulf's body, armor, and sword: We're being carried away against our will!

Beowulf: I try to fight with my ah-mazingness but, le gasp!, I fail!

Sea Beasts: We gather!

Beowulf: Le gasp! An underwater battle hall at the bottom of a bottomless lake of cold water that burns like a flame! This totally makes sense!

Water's Heat: I can't hurt Beowulf's ah-mazingness!

A light: I am brilliant, represent God, and light up the place with _my_ own ah-mazingness all at once!

Beowulf: There you are, you mighty water witch! I see you because of the brilliant light! I swing at you now!

Beowulf's ring-marked blade: I hit her head but epically fail to hurt her! I'm completely useless to you when you need me most! Yay me!

Beowulf and Grendel's Mom: We epically fight!

Beowulf's helmet: I have a gaping hole now! I failed you when you needed me most! Yay me!

Beowulf: Gee, thanks a lot, guys!

Fame: I come to people who mean to win me and care about nothing else!

Beowulf: I'll use my ah-mazing arms like I did on your son!

Grendel's mom: I'm thrown on the floor!

Beowulf: Yay me and my ah-mazingness!

Grendel's mom: Grr! I will widely claw at you now!

Beowulf's feet: I stumble!

Beowulf: I somehow fall down while being underwater!

Grendel's mom: I will avenge my only son by stabbing you with my stabbing blade!

Beowulf's woven mail shirt: I'll save you, your ah-mazingness!

Beowulf: I'm amazingly not dead!

Rant: I appear for six lines about the nonsensical rambling of what _would_ of happened if Beowulf's woven mail shirt didn't hold!

Beowulf: I conveniently discover the ONE FREAKING SWORD in the WHOLE FREAKING UNIVERSE that can defeat Grendel's mom within FREAKING ARM REACH! And even though no man is strong enough to pick it up, I, with my ah-mazingness, can!

Proof that whoever wrote Beowulf didn't understand the concept of subtlety: HI!

Anglo-Saxon's concept of wyrd: I snicker in the background!

Beowulf: I am now very angry! GRR! I will cut your head off!

Grendel's mom's body: I fall lifeless on the ground!

The sword: I am wet with the witch's blood!

Beowulf: Yay me and my ah-mazingness! *does happy dance*

A Brilliant Light: I light up the bottom of the bottomless lake like HEAVEN'S CANDEL!

Symbolism: HI!!!

Beowulf's heart: I'm still angry over here!

Beowulf: After I recap all that Grendel has done, which takes up eight lines because I don't want you to forget his meanness, I'm paying you back!

Grendel: I'm dead and only have one arm!

Beowulf: Killing you once was not enough! I'll now cut off you head!

Jesus Christ: And this man is suppose to represent _me?!_

Grendel's body: I twitch!

_[BACK ON LAND, the GEATS WATCH THE CONTRADICTING LAKE...]_

Warriors surrounding Hrothgar: No way! I'm sure that Beowulf and his ah-mazingness won against the greedy she-- oh, crap! He died!!!

Beowulf: I am supposedly dead and can't come back to life because I'm dead!

The Danes: We give up! Let's go home, everyone!

Hrothgar: I am a mighty prince and I'm going with you!

The Geats: Le sigh, man! Let's be loyal to our leader and wait and watch for our LORD to come back!

Symbolism: HI AGAIN!!!

_[BACK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTOMLESS LAKE WHOSE IS COLD YET BURNS LIKE A FLAME SOMEHOW AT THE SAME TIME...]_

The Sword: I'm a once in a lifetime deal, baby! I melt now! Yay me!

Rant: God is ah-mazing!

Beowulf: Ah, well, I'm done with that! *claps hands together* I'll just take Grendel's head and the hilt of the giant's Jeweled sword back with me! It's not like anyone can stop me!

Jesus Christ: _REALLY_ _NOW?!_

Water of lake: I'm peaceful now! Yay me!

Physics: I'm being defied once more as Beowulf swims to the surface of the lake with Grendel's mom's heavy skull in one hand and the hilt of the Giant's Jeweled sword in the other!

Geats: THANK GOD, you're alive! We'll carry your helmet and mail shirt for you!

The Water: I thicken with monsters' blood! Am I still peaceful?

Grendel's Skull: I'm so heavy that four men have to carry me while Beowulf did it by himself earlier in this stanza!

Beowulf and 14 men: We have arrived!

Beowulf: I carry in Grendel's mom's head!

The Queen: Le Gasp! Let's stare at this wonderful sight!

Geats: _OHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! PRECIOUS!!!_

THE LAST SUPPER!!... Er, I MEAN, The LAST BATTLE!!!

Hrothgar: I honor you!

Beowulf: Yay me!

Geats: Let's go home!

King of Geats: You're super cool, Beowulf!

Beowulf: Aw, shucks, guys!

Geats: You should be king!

King of Geats: I'm conveniently killed off so Beowulf can become king!

Proof that the author of this epic poem didn't understand the concept of subtly: Remember me?

Geatland: I'm present day Sweden and I am ruled by Beowulf and his ah-mazingness for 50 years!

Dragon: Someone stole my treasure! I'm going to set fire for revenge!

Beowulf: Instead of finding the thief, punishing him or her and trying to decrease crime in Geatland, I'm going to kill the dragon by ah-mazing self even though I'm 70 plus years old!

Logic: Er... Come again?

Beowulf: I fought lots of times when I was young! However, I'm no longer young!

Logic: Yeah... that's usually how that works...

Fame: I'm still being sought after by Beowulf!

Logic: Um... Beowulf... seriously?

Beowulf: I'd use no sword, nor armor, but I would stand no chance because I'm not fire proof!

Logic: _THERE_ I AM! :D

Shame: I am not present in Beowulf!

Purpose to fight: GOLD! :D

Jesus Christ: _Wha?!_

Beowulf: I am still brave and cocky!

Dragon's breath: I'm super hot!

Beowulf: I will do my battle cry so you can realize that you are in the presence of my ah-mazingness!

Dragon's breath: I came!

Beowulf's shield: I'll protect you, your ah-mazingness!

Dragon: I'm closing in on you!

Beowulf: If you say so, PUNK!

Dragon: I'M CLOSING IN!

Dragon's breath: I'm not hurting Beowulf!

Beowulf's sword: I'm ready to fight!

Dragon: I'm a beast! Rawr!

Dragon and Beowulf: We're set on slaughter!

Dragon's breath: I come again!

Beowulf's sword: I protect Beowulf's ah-mazingness then begin to melt! YAY ME!

Beowulf: I'll fight against fate!

Anglo Saxon's concept of wyrd: HI AGAIN!

Beowulf's sword: I'm thrown, fail to hurt the dragon and fail your ah-mazingness all at once! YAY ME!!

Dragon: I leap in pain and anger!

Beowulf: I stare into death's eyes!

Dragon: YAY! Direct hit! :D

Beowulf: I'M TURNING INTO ASHES!

Beowulf's comrades: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!11!

Wiglaf: I'm Wexstan's son, a good soldier and Swedish (or at least a part of me is!) I remember how great Beowulf is and all he's done for my family so I rant about my boring family's history and make a really long speech about helping Beowulf to the other soldiers while Beowulf is turning into a pile of ashes!...

Logic: Um... right, because making a _LONG _speech _right_ at _this_ moment is _just _what Beowulf would want as he's turning into _A PILE OF ASHES!?!_

Wiglaf: Rant, rant, rant... rant-y, rant-y, rant-y... *clears throat* rant-y... rant-y..._ RANT!_ BEOWULF! I FINALLY COME TO YOUR RESCUE!!!!

Logic: *rolls eyes* About time, dude.

THE SPOILS OF BATTLE!!!

Beowulf and Wiglaf: We kill the dragon!

Beowulf: Fetch the dragon's gold, boy! Go fetch!

Wiglaf: I'm marveled at the sight of the dragon's gold!

Other monsters: We do not appear!

Wiglaf: I'm taking everything I want! I hope Beowulf isn't dead!

Beowulf: I'm gasping for breath!

Water: I'm splashed on Beowulf's ah-mazingness!

God: I'm thanked by Beowulf!

Beowulf: I traded my life for this gold! Look at how selfless I am!

Logic and Jesus Crist: Er...

Beowulf: Build a _big_ tower in my ah-mazingness' honor so everyone will know who died here!

Proof that the author of this epic poem didn't truly understand Jesus Christ's character: HI _AGAIN_!!!

Wiglaf: I'm given Beowulf's necklace, rings, and mail shirt that probably have burned bits of Beowulf's skin all over it! :D

Beowulf: MY AH-MAZINGNESS AND I DIE DRAMATICALLY!

*sings* GOOD BYE, FAREWELL....

Wiglaf: Epic fail to those who abandoned Beowulf! Shame on you!

Geats: We build a tower just like Beowulf asked!

Ten days: I'm how long it took to build Beowulf's tower!

Dragon's treasure: I'm buried with Beowulf even though I'm probably more use to the alive Geats than the dead Beowulf!

Logic: *head desk*

Twelve of the Bravest Geats: We ride off into the sunset and share Beowulf's ah-mazingness!

Symbolism: Those twelve Geats have nothing what-so-ever to do with the twelve disciples going off and spreading Jesus Christ's word with the world! *shifty eyes*

Beowulf's spirit: I'm pretty much ah-mazing, if you couldn't tell.


End file.
